Remember how I said I refuse to let my tumblr account be a space for me to rant? Well, I’m taking it back. Well, I wouldn’t consider this as ranting but I just wanted to tell you how my day went (not that any of you would be interested but in case your bored here goes).
I woke up, took a bath and did the usual morning to do’s before going to school. On my way out I caught up with my dad who just arrived from, my guess, the guadalupe house. He told me that he spoke with my mom and told me that they’ve decided to sell this property. That irked me, told him that I wouldn’t let them. Dad said I had no idea (im skipping the personal stuff here, bear with me).
I’ve never hated my dad since I learned about his hanky panky dark side. Most of my siblings barely talk to him anymore and I don’t want that to happen to me. I love my dad, everyone who knows me knows this but this morning I walked out of the house trying to hold back my tears because I couldn’t stop my thoughts of hatred for him.
I’m okey now but if he does push through selling the property, I’m serious about this, I’m going to burn the property down with me in it. This is not a threat, I am going to do what I said I will do.
Everything else throughout the day went alright. Had theater workshop for the first time and it was tiring but great. Were going through a series of practices this week, its good that school is going to keep me busy, I need it a lot.
I feel like my head is going to burst from all the tug of war thoughts that come in and out of my head. I listen to my friends, for a minute or two, I follow what they think is best for me and then you come, you flash that smile and for a second, I forget everything else that I told myself I should do. What is this feeling? take it away. Then I take my words back because when you are in that feeling, it’s something that you just want to stay in for as long as it would last.. ohoh I have been nothing but a disappointment to myself. Now, I understand better the deeper meaning of taking one step forward yet it feels like taking two steps backward. Damn! Then you try to take that step sideways and it pulls you back again like your all steel and he’s magneto. But what scares me even more? Is the more that I am with you, the more that I feel like I am no longer myself. That self that I’ve build years just so that no one like you could make me feel this way.
Disclaimer:This isn’t an emo note, I’m not heartbroken or anything. I’m just listening to a song and got inspired to write this note. Although this one is close to the heart haha
***reposting a note that I wrote a few months back***
I’m trying not to make my tumblr a space for me to rant and complain about things but I can’t help but get so frustrated by how sick I am the past four days. I’ve had on and off fever since sunday, body pain all over, really bad cough with flem, feeling nauseated almost every two hours, I already vomited and I couldn’t eat properly. I experience chills right before I sleep and my head feels like its about to burst. I’d feel better, with the fever subsiding whenever I wake up but after a few hours the comes back. I feel so tired and always disoriented. I’ve skipped class, meetings and appointments because of me getting sick. I feel so exhausted and weak. I feel like crying.. I’m already crying.
I’m seeing the doctor in awhile, I hope the doctor would carefully check whats going on with me.
Mr. Mendoza was already upset even before he saw on television what the policemen did to his brother. The other tourists who remained inside the bus were complaining. Wei Ji Jiang wanted to go to the bathroom. Dao Chi Yu was hungry and the rest were just groaning and whining like they have forgotten that our lives rest in Mr. Mendoza’s hands. The hostage taker, as you know him was really nice. He treated us okay and even let the elders and the children leave the bus. He said your policemen treated him unfairly. He was a policeman too and was accused of doing something he had no knowledge of. But your government didn’t listen so he used us to get everyone’s attention. Things would have never turned for the worst if he didn’t see how his family was dragged out of their house and taken into custody. He was watching the news all the time as we huddled around each other behind the bus. He shouted some words in your language then started shooting in the air. A girl about my age started screaming. Mr. Mendoza demanded her to stop but she didn’t understand English. God, he had to slash her neck with a knife just to put her to rest. Her boyfriend who tried to hit him was shot in the head. Tension was rising. You can see in his face how scared and confused he was. The bus driver ran away leaving him alone with strangers from a distant land. I can see him walking across the aisle, sometimes pointing his machine gun to one of the tourists. But he tried his best not to hurt us, especially those who really cooperate. I guess its in your nature not to inflict pain on others unless it was necessary. I remember him saying that he will free us before sundown and implored us to forget everything when we return home. But his words don’t matter now. The policemen were trying to force their way in, while we all lied down to shield ourselves from bullets. Mister Mendoza blindly shoots at his enemies which I think kept them from rescuing us. I hear sobs under the chairs. Some were even shouting the names of their loved ones even when the air merely eat their words. Kevin Tang tried to escape when the glass door was was shattered, but one shot and he slumped on the floor with blood gushing from his mouth. Heavy rain pitter-pattered on the rooftop. In old Chinese saying, it means an end to a struggle. Finally, somebody was able to open the escape hatch at the back of the bus. Freedom. But I knew Mister Mendoza was still alive. I knew he was just waiting for a chance to strike back at his enemies. So I told those around me not to escape. Let the authorities come for us instead. Then there was gunfire. He was firing at his enemies with a machine gun. Those who were at the escape hatch fled abandoning us once again. It’s like a nightmare with no end and to wake up means a certain death. Then somebody from outside the bus threw a canister. It forced out a black smoke that is so painful to the eyes and putrid smelling to the nose. People started screaming. We cannot breathe. Some ran in front of the bus but Mister Mendoza warned them of stray bullets. It was too late. One was hit on the head, the other was hit on the shoulders. Bullets were now flying. Its like the authorities thought we were all dead. Mister Mendoza finally admits his mistake and said sorry to everyone, dead or alive. He then ran towards the front of the bus where he would meet his maker. As he passed by my chair with bullets whistling overhead, I clutched my hand on the velvet curtain and wrapped it around my face. All I could think of was to stay alive - for my child who is waiting for me back in Xinjang.
I know you guys are being bombarded with Manila hostage news and opinions left and right, but I just can’t stand not reblogging this one. This will be the last hostage-related Pinoy Tumblr post from me, I promise.
For Irene Sharie Francisco whose their name start with letter I, below are the analysis result : You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshiped. You enjoy luxury. You like necking spend hours just touching feeling & exploring. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of statement. You bore easily and thus require adventure and change. Your commitments dont last very long & you often tend to stray. Loyalty is not one of your strong points.
From another facebook know-your-personality app.
Pretty accurate. Yes, I want to be appreciated and worshiped? LOL
Correct I get bored easily.
You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. - FIESTY! haha
“You can’t live your life to suit other people. The harder you try, the more restrictions they’ll put on you just for the fun of seeing you jump through their hoops.”—Matthew Farrell, Paradise > Judith McNaught (by mariamadness) (via quote-book)