Since high school I always wanted to study and try it out in Manila. Cebu is fine, Cebu is comfortable and would still probably be the place where I want to be when I’m in my death bed but there is something about Manila that fascinates the curious side of me.
My family, especially my dad has been discouraging me to move there for either school or work. I remember him telling me why i would want to live a life that can be a struggle when I can live like a princess here in Cebu. I might just end up floating in the river. I know, dads are naturally protective and he did try to discourage all women in the family to leave the country (only he didn’t have much choice with my sisters because they were already married when they decided to move to Canada). So here I am the girl with so much ambitions, ambitions to make it big in the city where dreams can come true, mustering the courage and psyching myself to make everything that I will leave behind worth it.
Manila resembles New York - a beautiful mess. Where anything can be possible as long as you’re willing to work your ass off. It’s where you can work hard and play hard-er. I want to experience it. I want to embrace it. I’ve been wanting to go on that adventure that will help me grow and become a better, braver person that I am now.
So on my 27th year, I put on my crazy self back on and will try to make it in Manila. I’m secretly scared (with all the comments of my bosses saying that I wouldn’t survive the harsh June - August season of traffic, heavy rain and flood) but something in me says I gotta do this. And I’m crazy (or probably stupidly brave) enough to trust my gutt (like I always do). I guess I also get my strength from my strong desire of feeding that fulfillment of trying out what I’ve always wanted to do.
I haven’t told my family yet, the last time I told them was during my birthday and they gave the same comment. And I was never a fan of goodbyes or was a fan of asking permission to my parents.
So 2014 for me will be interesting. It’s just Manila, not New York. I won’t be hundreds of miles away, or in a different time zone. So I know I can do this. Or maybe I’m just too crazy enough to think that I can. We don’t know. We’ll see.
Beyond the temporary comfort that food brings me, it is in writing where I find my refuge when I feel like my life is in a dumpster and everything is just shitty.
It’s been a rough two weeks for me. People being difficult, losing my confidence, losing people’s confidence, my brain shutting down from all the pressure, sleepless nights, deadlines, pending and heavy workload with very less help.
I haven’t been taking care of myself, I’m starting to frequent a place where I shouldn’t be, I haven’t been thinking brightly and I’m starting to take out all my frustration towards people I’m constantly around with.
I don’t really like myself lately. And some people think I’m too hard on myself but I’ve always been like that and according to some astronomy sites, Virgos are naturally harsh on themselves.
I’m just praying that tomorrow will be better. or maybe next week.
Tryin’ out Cronuts
During my recent trip to Manila, I had the chance to get my hands on some Cronuts. For those who aren’t familiar, cronuts is a mutated pastry (A doughnut and croissant) made by this popular New York pastry chef and has become a destination dessert (you know the kind of food that you have to try when you travel to a certain place). People have been talking about it and it was first brought in the Philippines by Wildflour a restaurant slash bakery that serves breads, desserts and more.
And the Chef’s Unite!
Only to provide the diners of Marco Polo Plaza Cebu's diners the most blissful gastronomical adventure yet!
Last Thursday, this writer was invited to the launching of Cafe Marco’s Culinary Journey: Chef’s United! This time the rockstars of the kitchen were featured bringing with them three of their best dishes that has been or yet to be served in the buffet tables of Cafe Marco.
Presenting the Sous Chefs featured for this year’s Chef’s United! With the supervision of restaurateur and culinary expert Ms. Jessica Avila
Why You Are Not Successful
Patients who undergo an amputation often feel a sensation where the missing limb was as if it’s still there. The syndrome is called phantom limb. It’s as if the body can’t accept that a terrible trauma has occurred. The mind is trying to make the body complete again. Patients who experience phantom limb report many different sensations but by far the most common is pain.
The body can be stubborn when it comes to accepting change. The mind holds out hope that the body can be whole again and the mind will always fight for hope, tooth and nail. Until it finds a way of understanding its new reality and accepts that what is gone is gone forever.
I did not break a bone, but I did break something that was more important - I got my spirit broken.
But this is not the post where I talk about what happened, how it happened and who caused it. It is no longer important. There’s no use of dwelling into the past. What happened, had to happen.
We all know there are stages we have to go through before we reach the state of acceptance. I also believe that there are different types of acceptance. There is passive acceptance where you just take things as they are. Some call it settling. There is acceptance that would push you to change. Some call it a metamorphosis, or a revelation. Then there is the pseudo acceptance which I think happens when we push ourselves into in order to stop the pain because it would be too much to bear. It is half-hearted because your brain tells you one thing but your heart says something different. The sad part is that when let your brain control your action now, somehow the heart has its way of haunting you about it in the future.
The latter happens when you go through anything similar to dealing with a “phantom leg”, it forces you to accept things because the everything is too hard to digest and you still feel the pain even if its no longer there.
For months, I had to endure dealing with the feeling of having an emotional phantom leg. A thing/person who was once part of me died and my heart (because most of my time, my brain decides with the heart in mind) hasn’t processed it as something that is gone -forever.
But the brain, an intelligent piece of machine will eventually come to terms of what is reality and I think I’m there now. Where my heart and my brain are in the same wave length.
I Think I am in Friend-love with you
something to smile and laugh about.
Written by and illustrated by Yumi Sakugawa
Days from now you’ll be twenty three and I never thought I’d find myself thinking of what to give you for your birthday just because i gave you a really hard time over the past year. And I remember clearly how you felt bad that I didn’t greet you on your 22nd second birthday because I acted like a bitch (like I always do).
I wanted to surprise you with your favorite starbucks frap. I’m not sure which variant you wanted but I was working on having them make a special concoction and name it after you, to serve to their customer for a day. And then maybe come up with a mixtape of your sound cloud recordings and have them play it in the afternoon. I knew you’d always wanted others to hear you sing. I know how much you love to sing to other people. But I guess things happen for a reason.
Healing is never an easy process. The decision to do so and work hard to stick to it is quite challenging but at the end of the day, to decide to forgive is really something that you do, not for others, but for yourself. It is a way of loving yourself a little bit more.
Then you made that call. To let you enter back into my life was a difficult decision to digest in the beginning. I had doubts. How ready you were. How ready I was. How sincere you were. How willing was I to really put everything behind. I got scared because I was scarred. For a moment, all my defenses were up but I knew I had to put them down because you made that call, you initiated peace. You reached out to me even if we could have just left things the way they were. And what I was just most certain of, the moment I heard your voice on the other line was that I missed you. Terribly. And maybe this time things might be better because I knew better.
Things were ok. I had to battle and settle my past personal biases with you to try and build a friendship from ground zero. I teased you. Like i always do. Tried to irritate you, like I always did. Would check up on you to see if you were doing fine. How you are at work and everything else in life. Sometimes protect you little that I can. Like what you said when you called me that night.. You don’t know if things will be back to how it was and I said it wouldn’t. But at least one is willing to try, at least, to build a new one.
A few days ago, we had a bit of an argument, I threw harsh words that I knew was uncalled for. I did apologize for that quickly. Then forgot about it because it shouldn’t be something I should give emphasis on. It was petty and if you believed so much that your idea is better than mine, so be it, it is after all your account. I was just passionate about protecting another friend. But maybe it had a different effect on you.
Then I read the status message you posted an hour ago. I knew it was me. You knew I was going to read it. I’m sure because I’ve heard you describe and call me that name to others before. And I couldn’t understand why? Why now? Why again? Are we back in the cycle of trying to hurt each other? Haven’t you grown tired? Because I have and i don’t want to be swallowed back into something I’ve worked hard to get myself out from.
I’ve apologized. I’ve owned up to my wrongs. I’ve even suffered and still suffering from the consequences of my vendetta. I think that’s enough to call it truce. I don’t think i owe you anything anymore.
When I said that I’ve learned to start forgiving when I’ve accepted that I’ll never get that apology that I’ve been wanting from you, I meant it. I just don’t know why, even until now, you still want to hurt me intentionally or unintentionally. But i will no longer ask for your apology. Nor for you to realize what you had done. For a chance to be genuinely friends again. For your time. For effort. For love. For friendship. For the sake of being civil and or professionalism. I will not ask anything from you anymore. Not ever in this lifetime.
So maybe the chance given was really not for old friendships to be rekindled. For me to prove worthy to be called your bestfriend again. Maybe it was given to cut the cord clean. For a more peaceful way for me or us to say goodbye. To burn the bridge without burning ourselves with it. To letting go with certainty and no fear of what ifs. To moving on without turning back. And as a good friend once told someone who kept living in the past that if you want to stay in that place when everything was all messed up, feel free to do so but I’ve decided not to be stuck there. So it’s really up to you to run in circles and keep on hurting but I will no longer take that sh*t from you anymore.
Where I’m at right now is crucial for me. It is no longer a time for me to waste whatever I have on things that will not bring value to my being. That includes baggages that I’ve garnered over the past years that I’ve spent struggling to make sense of what had happened to a friendship that I loved and considered as my family. I need my peace. I deserve that peace.
It was good til it lasted. I’ve thanked you countless times and I will say this again for the last time… Thank you. for the good and the bad. To remember you by.
You know it’s time to say goodbye
Gotta keep it strong
Before the pain turns into fear
The times when we would play about
The way we used to scream and shout
We never dreamt you’d go your own sweet way
Look for the rainbow in every storm
Find out for certain, love’s gonna be there for you
You’ll always be someone’s baby
Goodbye my friend
Advance Happy Birthday.
❞If you want to kill yourself, kill what you don’t like. I had an old self that I killed. You can kill yourself too, but that doesn’t mean you got to stop living.— Vargus, Archie’s Final Project (via crystalteeth)
Independence, More Fun in the Philippines!
Why is that so? read along to find out.
Independence is something that is celebrated in my country, and when there is merry making there is always abundance of - FOOD (and maybe karaoke).
In time for the Independence day fever, from June 7 - 16, 2013 The Marco Polo Plaza Cebu holds a culinary journey by celebrating the Filipino palate and featuring the best of Philippine Cuisine in Cocina del Siglo.
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